How to tell if you are being gaslighted

This very funny post serves as a brilliant example of different ways gaslighting shows up by denying your reality or your feelings (check out the whole post for more examples and comments) . But the humor does not take away from the fact that gaslighting is a debilitating experience to live in.

A favorite resource of mine for identifying and addressing gaslighting is this article by Carol A. Lambert, MSW, Gaslighting in Relationships: Seven Ways to Protect Yourself:

1. Hold on to what you know is true. In the face of lying, scrutinizing of your thinking, distorting the meaning of your words, twisting the truth, or blaming you—all aimed to misdirect you—determine what you believe to be the truth and hold firm to that within yourself. This helps to reduce the self-doubt and keep you grounded in the intent of the gaslighter’s behavior coming at you.

2. Stop and think is one way to resist the attempt to be influenced. When you live with someone who is out to powerfully win you over, choose to say, “I’ll think about it.” before responding to help you hold onto your self-control (Taylor, 2004).

3. Don’t tell the gaslighter that they’re lying. If you wish to speak up, just state you have a different perspective and don’t agree. Or say that you recall what happened differently and that you trust your own recollection. 

4. When you encounter a distortion of the truth aimed at blaming you, declare that you know you’re not to blame and won’t take responsibility. Stating this aloud helps you to stay grounded in your own perspective.

5. Approach the gaslighter with a concern directly. If the response is a defensive attack about you or about something completely different (to get you off topic), state you can discuss their concern later, but for right now you need them to stay with your topic. Then restate your concern. If you experience a personal attack again or an attempt to change the subject, then state that if they are not willing to discuss your concern, you’ll need to end the conversation. If it happens again, make it known that you’re done talking and then separate yourself. 

6. Point out what you observe about the gaslighter’s behavior that makes communication difficult and, at times, impossible. You can state that you decided not to listen or engage in this type of exchange. 

7. Give in to avoid the hard time from the gaslighter. It’s perfectly fine to choose this path but most importantly is to stay true to your own perception and be clear with yourself that you don’t agree and you’re choosing to avoid the hassle.